A love letter to the straight female friend from the perspective of a queer person, of both being outcasts as well as a deep visceral love that’s platonic (and worth celebrating) .
By Hamza Jahanzeb 13.09.2024
Photo credit: Helen Muray
Hot off the trot from his Olivier award-winning play The P Word, Waleed Akhtar is back (oh, we are SO back Akhtar fans) at the Bush Theatre with this gorgeously written play about two people whose lives intertwine, then diverge as life – well, lifes.
It’s a familiar tale: you have a stunning, intense friendship that provides a safety net during the ‘best years of our lives’ i.e. Uni and we learn that as things start to unravel, the relationship is never the same.
The Real Ones is a deeply profound, nuanced, cleverly crafted play by Akhtar and this creative team (the director is Anthony Simpson Pike who directed on The P Word). In this new show, the team showcase the messiness of human life lived in formative years of two besties Zaid and Neelam: two outcasts, joyful allies, and ultimately platonic lovers.
This play is one that prepares you to revel in wanting to take up space to be yourself, when the cultural eco-system disavows your plight as a member of the non-white community. It’s a call to arms for self-professed rebels to go against the perceived normal within diaspora communities – and that our experiences are valid. It’s a mirror held up to the creative arts sector, as we’re now seeing a real-time reversal in an effort to promote EDI/DEI. It also thanks the women who hold up gay men, queer people and those who provide support when our lives feel like they are crumbling. These women have totally got our backs, they’re our ‘Real Ones’. And we have theirs, too.
We meet Zaid (played with bags of queer energy by Nathaniel Curtis) and Neelam (depicted with sass and a real depth of understanding of this particular iteration of a British Pakistani woman by Mariam Haque) in a university dorm rooms. She flashes her bra to onlookers which sets the foundation for a joyful friendship over the years in which two Pakistani Muslims from Ilford take to embarking on a life outside of ‘Mini Pakistan’. Like The P Word, what Akhtar masterfully connects with in his profoundly moving pieces is his ability to relay relatability, connection, honesty & grit. There’s a wondrous truth in his writing, which reaps its rewards ten-fold when performed on the stage. Audiences laugh, sob and are moved by the sparkling dialogue Akhtar writes, a playwright of our generation. We are living through a very exciting time to be able to see the development of one of the finest upcoming writers in the UK.
I truly have to say, with Akhtar’s lucid prose effervescent in its structure and considered language, I witnessed one of the most captivating openings of a play: there’s an instant connection between both actors that invite the audience into their complex, totally relatable lives. The action spans over a decade as the outer layers of the Zaid-Neelam friendship begins to peels and cracks appear in the duo’s life. There’s a repeated refrain of the following dialogue, which echoes how dependant their platonic love relies on the two beings intensely being in love with one another:
ZAID. Yeah!
They both uncontrollably laugh.
I love you. Like genuinely I love you.
NEELAM. I love you too.
ZAID. No really, I love the bones of you
NEELAM. What?
ZAID. I LOVE THE BONES OF YOU.
Beat.
NEELAM. I love the skin of you
ZAID. The teeth of you.
NEELAM. The eyes.
ZAID. The ears,
NEELAM. The nose.
A moment of intense connection
You know we’re gonna be fine.
ZAID. We’re gonna be fucking brilliant
– The Real Ones (2024) by Waleed Akhtar
(published by Nick Hern Books)
The lighting design (Christopher Nairne) and sound (by Xana) throughout this show is fantastic, with Nairne and Xana seamlessly re-creating scenes in a club. As you walk into the Holloway Theatre, the music that plays is indie classics such as Keane’s Somewhere Only We Know. The attention to details enhances the experience when you take your seat, and do note that there is strobe lighting in this piece. Howver, this did make me feel immersed into the action as the choices of Zaid and Neelam play out on stage. The set (carpeted which also including the four pillars) create a domestic surrounding, and an inviting set that is mostly bare with the exception of chairs that are brought on. Movement in this piece (directed by Iskankdar Sharazuddin) heightens Akhtar’s words as the scenes – and Neelam and Zaid’s world – shift.
Paced well, there is a transition several years past the initial university friendship years, and Zaid’s relationship becomes apparent with his older university lecturer Jeremy (played by Anthony Howell). Neelam, on the other hand, rekindles a friendship with arch nemesis of the couple and ends up marrying Deji from Purley (played by Nnabiko Ejimofor). The varying shades of having an inter-racial relationship with a British Nigerian whilst having your own turmoil of being pestered by Pakistani parents to get married presents felt authentically portrayed.
To conclude, I’ve not felt so captivated by action unfolding during a play in a rather long time; in fact, I was gripped and I could have kept on watching the lives of these two people unfold into their old age given the chance. The overall run time of this play was really tight, and the team’s understanding on what to focus on is very clear; there’s a lot of ground to cover, which never wavers on one’s attention span. Instead, the delight with which we embrace their turmoils and wins is a special watch.
This play left me with my own thoughts about the ‘Neelams’ in my life. My ‘real one’. One thing’s for sure, is that Waleed Akhtar is a soaring talent on a major trajectory of his own in our UK writing world; I left the Bush Theatre excited for what his playwriting future holds and I’ve very high hopes for his craft being celebrated and revered further afield.
I will be thinking about Neelam and Zaid, along with the premise of The Real Ones for a very long time.
Until 26 October 2024: https://www.bushtheatre.co.uk/event/the-real-ones/
**N.B. This is an honest review, in exchange for a gifted / complimentary ticket. The reviewer has written this with their editorial control, with no external influence on how to frame the show. #AdvertisementFeature #PRInvite #Gifted #ad **
Tickets from £30.
Looking for a bargain? Book a £15 Count Me In ticket, join as a member or nab a season ticket. Find out more at bushtheatre.co.uk/save.
Age Guidance 14+
Content Warnings
Please note, this production contains strobe lighting, flashing lights, and loud noises including high frequency feedback sounds.
ACCESS DETAILS
Relaxed & Sensory Adapted Performances
Saturday 21st September at 2:30pm & Thursday 10th October at 7:30pm
Captioned Performances Thursday 26th September at 7:30pm & Saturday 5th October at 2:30pm
Audio Described Performances Saturday 28th September at 2:30pm & Thursday 3rd October at 7:30pm
Touch Tours Saturday 28th September at 1:30pm & Thursday 3rd October at 6:30pm